it’s been a long time since i wrote from the heart
i decided there was nothing to say
so no thing was said

.

then my brother died
lance
he was 42
somehow i always thought i would die first
being the oldest child
cigarettes
a deliciously painful sin
we both shared

..now that lance is dead..

he once declared that:

“smoking will slip away from me”

at the time i took this statement as inspiration
yet he smoked as long as he was physically able
until death slipped smoke away
what now
my horrible addiction?

but

this is a eulogy for lance
my brother who has died

i’m happy he’s in a better place
it was hard watching him suffer
liver cancer
rough way to go
apparently chemo made him feel temporarily better
what does that tell you
of the pain he went through

lance had no fingers
froze them off in a snowbank in northern alberta one winter
horrifying
jesus didn’t save his fingers
and lance was more of a believer than me
horrifying

and yet
lance became ingenious about opening containers
and working on cars
his inventiveness astounded me

lance always had a plan..
my old man used to say:
“there’s the right way
there’s the wrong way
and then there’s lance’s way”

lance’s plans were often crazy
but also brilliant
he certainly had an alternate clarity on life
that i hated
that i loved

now that lance is gone
i realize i loved him
and i miss him now that he’s not here to drunk dial me
to tell me about his latest scheme
to judge me for being an honest fool

thank-you, lance
for being part of my life

a part of you lives on upon this earthly plane
in my heart
and i imagine
the greater part of you lives on..

resplendant and ascendant
shining in that radiant heaven
slipping down for a peak at the mortals
sneaking through a downwards portal
smiling, in your prime
opening another door for the portal up

thanks for saying good-bye
happy to see you’re doing well in your new body